Faith and Prayer

So as you know, I have been working in a challenge from my bishop to increase my faith. It may have possibly worked.  Here are my notes, you decide :-)

I also took done notes on prayer. Prayer is the one way we can talk to our heavenly father.  He is always listening to our righteous prayers. He loves us and he wants us to have faith and trust in him.

I believe it is high time to be willing to do so.

No ifs, ands, or buts.

The bishop and I met again this week to discuss my first challenge and we talked about the faith of Nephi from the very start. He was never unwavering in his faith. As I have studied, I have learned how it was possible for him to have such an unwavering faith. It is simple. I know you are surprised, right??

The honest trick to being able to do this is to simply keep the commandments, read your scriptures daily, pray to the lord for good and righteous purposes. These things will help you to gain a testimony and help you have faith. Even in the hard times when it seems that trials are never ending.

I can honestly say that I'm almost walking on water. I gave a ton more studying to do, and I'm trying really hard to put my feet on top Ty of the water and trust that I can stay there, even when the wind and storm of uncertainty is upon me.

P.s. I have learned something vet important. I said this to my bishop "I would one day love to gave the faith of Nephi" he stopped me and said "me too" and then I kept going. I said "but..." He stopped me again. He then said, "but you are not willing to do what it takes to get it."
At first I was taken back to the comment, but he is right!! I am going to be very careful to not let my pride get in the way. I am willing to do what it takes to gain the faith and trust as Nephi of old.

I'm ready!

Have a great day!

You decide

So today I'm doing okay. I finished my challenge on Wednesday, which means I finished the book of Mormon in one week. Crazy!!

I will talk to my bishop again on Sunday and I'm not sure why, but I have had the feeling that I need to talk to him about prayer this week. I was going to wait to talk to him, but with the pressing from the spirit to talk to him about it,i decided I better make an appointment. I just hope that he knows why I'm talking to him about prayer!!

Maybe this is a test of my trust, maybe I need to know more about prayer, I don't know, but we shall see!!

Head above water

Earlier this week, I started a blog post titled "Drowning". I related a visit with my bishop and how frustrated with my life I was. Today, I erased that post to start a new one. This one has a much better title to it.

Alright, so it still isn't walking on water, but at least I'm holding my head up and to be honest, I'm almost swimming.

Times have been hard on us the last 11.5 years. We have experienced so many things in life that were hard. We have struggled financially since we have been married and have not ever really felt stable in that area.

This summer an opportunity came up for us to move and not only get a better paying job, but get closer to our family.

We prayed about it for a day and knew it was the right thing to do, so we packed up our things and headed down south.

In my mind, I was sure that things would get easier. I didn't think it would happen over night, but I had hoped we could at least pay our bills, even if we didn't have anything left over. It has not been that way at all. Things have been tough and they don't seem like they are getting any better.

I know in my heart that we were supposed to move here, the reason may have nothing to do with financial freedom, but I've become well aware of my lack of trust.

There have been so many things going on that have made it nearly impossible to see the good from the move. Our financial trouble still exists, it was definitely not what I expected it to be. We have had to get or own insurance, which with it comes a new deductible and it is frustrating. My daughters medication no longer cost us 60 dollars but 541. So many frustrations and yet, so many things I cannot control.

I have had many breakdowns and many visits with our bishop. This last week was tough. I went into the bishop for a temple recommend interview and the challenges of tithing had caught up to us and we fell and didn't pay it a couple of Weeks because we made some bad decisions financially. We were able to fix that situation, but the fact remained that my trust in the Lord was just not where it needed to be.

I broke down in his office and told him how I felt about everything. Now don't get me wrong, I go to church every week and I fulfill my calling. I pray and read my scriptures. I know that Heavenly father and Jesus are there. My fault lies in my trust that good things will happen. I trust he is there and does great things for others, but I cannot see it for myself. I feel like I will be in this bitter situation for the rest of my life. I hate it.

I left his office with a challenge to read the book of Mormon and underline every place that the Lord strengthened his people. I began on Wednesday. I am in Alma chapter 51. I have spent a lot of time pondering and reading these stories. The people had so much faith. I hope to one day be able to have even a small amount of that faith as to believe that it is going to  get better.

The challenge will end soon and I will have to return to the bishop to discuss. I am a little nervous to talk to him again, but I know this is what I need to do right now.

So yes, I was drowning, but I feel like I am learning and am at least able to hold my head above the water.

Hope to be swimming soon.

Flotation device required?

Sometimes you just want to scream out, but when you are drowning, it will only make the problem worse. Right?? So what is the point of even trying to survive? You are deep in the ocean waters and if you stop fighting, the end will come, won't it. You won't have to fight anymore. Right?

I know, I know, but if you stop fighting, you are not going to receive the same blessings as if you keep fighting. I get it.

Now you may be wondering why I'm all in the I want to give up but know I can't moment, so I'll tell you.

I'm not depressed. I don't hate life. I actually really don't have a whole lot to complain about right now. So how in the world am I in this place?

Since the move I have hardly accomplished anything besides getting the house unpacked. What is a girl to do? It seems pretty simple, right? Get out and do some service, I just don't know where to start. How do I go about finding ways to serve? I already volunteered for the pta, but that job is done now. What next? I'm trying to learn how to play the piano better for primary. I'm trying to keep my house clean. I'm trying to be a good friend.

So why do I feel like there is more I can do, but can not figure out what.  I am at a loss. I know I have a purpose here. Why else would I be here? I want to say, I'm miserable and I just need a hug. I want someone to come up to me and reassure me that things will work out. I can't say that on Facebook though because so many people question as to why I'm feeling this way and the truth is, I don't know. So I think I'll put on my floaties and pray that they are strong enough to hold me above the water. I'll do My best and try to keep my head above the water. Until next time....really hoping there is one.

Not giving up, just discouraged.

Treading

A lot has changed in the past few months. As you read before, my husband got a new job, we found a place to live, and we have successfully paid our bills every month. It has been so nice to not worry so much about things.

Things are not perfect, and probably never will be. We still struggle to pay some bills on time, but they are getting paid. we have started a plan though and according to my calculations, will be completely out  of debt in 42 months. Slow and steady wins the race, right??

Life likes to their curveballs at me quite frequently. I honestly believe that I wouldn't be who I am today id it were not for those curveballs.

After we moved here,I went to the doctor and found out, I might have cancer. What!? I know, that was my first thought. However, I came home and told my husband and the doctor and I decided to have the tests done. Two Weeks went by and I had another appointment with the doctor to make sure I needed the tests. It was confirmed and another week went by before I had the tests. I hate worrying people so we decided not to tell. A few people knew, but not many. I finally told my mom a couple of days before. I had the tests done and the results came back negative for cancer. A relief yes, but in my heart I knew that whatever happened, needed to happen  and I was willing to take it on.

My thinking changed a lot that few Weeks. I became very thankful for ever breath I took and for every moment I had with my family. I believe that I needed that change in thinking. I am so glad I went through that trial.

I hope that one day I will be as happy here as I was in Logan. I know the move was essential to our plan. I do really miss my friends and the comfort of where we were, but I really feel like I'm just treading right now. At least my head is above water and I'm not too tired.

Hope you have a great day!

No one reads this blog/update

I only know of a few special people that know about this blog, that is because I am not ready for a lot if people to know about it yet. I have decided today to let a few more people in on it, so if you are reading this, you must mean a lot to me right now.

This move is beginning to have it's toll on me. I really miss my friends  and I miss my old ward. I miss the early snow and beautiful fall colors of the canyons. I'm sure there are some of those things here, but it was the whole atmosphere, the kind people and good friends. I could spin in a circle and stop and my finger would be pointing at any number of friends who would go out to lunch with me, or a movie, or just come hang out. I miss that a lot.

I feel like I'm beginning to make friends here. I like the quietness of where we live. I like our new ward and we have a great bishop here. One who asks you to serve a calling and then listens to you break down and gives awesome advice, he had no idea that was coming, I'm sure.

The kids love their school, their teachers, and they are making new friends. My husband seems to enjoy his job. He hasn't said anything to the contrary.

So this move has been good for us. We are still trying to get out of debt, but that is becoming increasingly difficult as the collectors get more and more greedy. It's not like we aren't trying, but they don't care they just want their money.

So, even still, amongst the stress,I feel like we are making a home here. I have worked really hard to keep my house clean, and many people from any of the places we have lived before, would be seriously surprised as to how clean it really is. I keep the dishes up and I clean the bathrooms and the kids have kept their rooms clean. We have this great new start to life. Moving has given us a great opportunity to change old habits. It is becoming increasingly easier to want to do them. Some days are obviously easier than others.

I feel like this post is a little long winded, but I have a lot to say today.

I have done so much better with reading my scriptures and praying. The kids and I read in the mornings and then I try to get my personal study in after they go to school.

I don't feel like I'm really swimming, I'm not drowning, I'm also not walking it treading. I think I must be floating right now. Floating.....yes, I  think that best describes me at this very moment in time.

I'm not really struggling, I'm not completely comfortable where I am yet, I'm just here, floating.

Well, I should stop talking and float off to sleep.

Less swimming more walking, who am I kidding!

So this past few weeks has been a mix of many many emotions. It all started with a camping trip. The trip was a fun trip planned with good friends and fun times. We all got ready to go camping and we headed out. The first place we went was full. The second place we went was beautiful and shady and very pretty and we were so excited. We got there and just as we got there I got a hole in the side wall of my tire. We had to set up our tents in the dark and it was very frustrating. I was getting very frustrated with things. Finally we had our tents set up and we could go to sleep. The next day was lots of fun, I decided that worrying about the tire was pointless, until someone could come and fix it (i.e. My husband). 

The kids had a blast while we sat around and talked and just enjoye not having to be anywhere. My husband showed up the next night with his awesome tire fixing skills, then ended up not fixing the tire. He did bring news that our power had been shut off. I was unaware that it was going to be shut off, so it came as a huge surprise. Again, there was nothing I could do, so after talking with my husband, we decided to stay up and camp and worry about it when we got home the next day.

The next day, we realized we didn't have the tools to fix the tire so we decided to go ask the neighbor camp for help.They weren't much help at first, but eventually we were able to get the tire fixed and head home. When we arrived home, I found what I had already known. My heart sank, and my soul cried out, WHY!? I know I know asking why was probably not my best option, but I had reached a pit of despair that I didn't know how to handle as I had not been in that situation for a very long time.

I had a good friend who fed us dinner and let me charge my phone, and it was warm but not too hot so we decided to wait until Monday to get the power back on. The next day my bishop walked into the chapel, looked at me and asked how things were and I looked at him with the despair in my eyes, and he said, That's what I thought, come see me after sacrament. So I did. I went in and I cried. I told him I was so tired of having to deal with the things of the world and as a finishing touch I added, I feel like HOPE is Overrated. And I honestly felt that I had lost all hope. The bishop kindly reminded me that if I had lost all hope, I would not have come to church, or went to his office to talk to him. Point taken, still I was waiting for that hand to reach down and pull me up out of the water.  I left his office with the instruction to pay my power bill with the check he gave us and then to go to the temple and regain perspective.

My heart was still heavy and I had no desire to want to go to the temple. I wanted to hide in my hermit crab shell and just stay there.

The next morning I awoke and got the kids ready and took the check to have my power turned back on. Luckily not much was ruined by the power being out all weekend. We did our best to keep the freezer closed until the power came back on.

I am not sure what inspired me to do this, but I had a thought that I should make 3 calls to companies to see if they were hiring for a service tech for HVAC (that is what my husband does). I made the first call and they didn't answer, I made the second call and they were no longer hiring, I made the third call and they were not hiring either, however the guy I was talking to told me that another company was hiring and to give him a call. It ended up being our big break!

What a wonderful thing, we could finally afford to pay all of our bills, ON TIME. Not only that but we would be able to get out of debt, and possibly buy a house and a car that isn't falling apart! Wouldn't that be wonderful!!!???

I thougt so! Right, I mean finally something good happened and we will be able to move forward!

Okay, truth time, I am very nervous, I am scared, and the anxiety is killing me. I feel like I am in a straight jacket and that I am not houdini.

I am going to miss my friends, my callings, my life here as I know it is going to be left behind. However I know that we are supposed to go. There are many things pulling us in that direction and we need to move. It is still very hard.

I know I need to enjoy, but sometimes I feel like something will happen and someone will pull the plug and say, JUST KIDDING!!! I guess I just need to pray and trust in Heavenly father to help me enjoy the journey.

Would I say I am walking on water? No, would I say I am drowning? No. Would I say that his hand is reaching down to help me out of the water, YES!!!

So that is all for now. I hope you enjoy reading. Keep watching and I might actually update more often!

Finding strength in the trials

So as you know I have continually digressed. I am stressed, depressed and confused. There are a million emotions I am feeling and I can not pin point them to certain things in my life. A friend tells me I should return to counseling. I say, what can counseling really do for me?? I have already crossed that bridge and I don't really know what it can do. The other side of me is screaming, PLEASE a counselor would be a wonderful way to help you get through so many things...you need to keep going and find your way back to the surface of the water. It is official. I am drowning. I am having breakdowns here and there. NONE of which my family has seen yet. Thank goodness. I don't want to feel weak in front of them anymore. One time in the crazy chair was enough for me and I am sure it was enough for them.

Today as I was working on some sewing and having my child try on clothes and make sure they fit right etc...I got upset over silly things. I really need to watch my frustrations. I am so beyond help right now. I don't know how to ask for help. My sanity is keeping me under the water.

I found out that my church leader knows of my struggles and I don't think he has any idea of how extensive it is. I am so ready to be done with church, with life. I just don't know how to change that attitude toward life. It seems that when things start to get better, something happens to take us back 20 steps!

Aaaahhhrrrggg. Anyway, I know that this blog has been rather depressing lately. I just hope one day that I will be able to look back on it and know that I have really taken charge of my life...one day....maybe a billion clicks from now I will be able to say, I AM AWESOME....and actually believe it.

My heart is heavy, my family has no clue, and I am drowning.

HELP!

Escaping Reality

Reality has a way of coming up on you from behind and scaring you half to death. Recently I was pondering my life and how far I have come to get here. I realized that I was quickly heading back into the direction I came. I don't know how to stop it, but the reality is that I am heading there. I remember feeling helpless, and insecure. I was not happy, I was always having anxiety. I have not completely gone back yet, and I am doing my best to get moving forward again, but sometimes it is just hard. I so wish that there was someone that I could turn to. Not that I am saying any of you wouldn't be willing to listen, but I have pretty much talked off the ears of any and all of the people who actually read this blog. I find myself keeping most of my frustrations and sorrow inside. I know bottling things up is not a good way to do things, but recently I feel like I have to. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like what is going on in my life is so unimportant to so many people. I don't think they would really understand. I have a serious fear of disappointing people. It is rather unhealthy. Even worse than being scared of spiders...which really causes a panic. I can not fathom the feelings of guilt and pain I would feel if I disappointed someone. There was a recent time I felt that way and I could not handle even looking in the mirror because of it. I don't even want to go into the details of the anxiety and depression that follows something like that. It is not important. I guess my point is that I am trying so hard to escape a reality that will never go away. I just want to go on a really long vacation to a deserted island and never return. I don't foresee the escape being easy, but I don't think I will be able to stop trying for a while. Sorry to vent here, but I needed to let something out.

Drowning

I feel like I am drowning. I don't want to swim. I don't want to walk...I just want to slowly sink in the waters. I don't feel like there is any way out. I know, I know, in the scriptures it says that if we look to the Lord in faith, he will be there. I am finding it very hard to have faith that he will. I know what the scriptures say, I know that the Lord and Savior is real, I am just having trust issues.

My biggest fear in life is to disappoint people. Not very long ago I realized that I had disappointed someone I truly love. That person let me know and now I am super paranoid. I know that I do it often. I hate it. It makes me feel really small, and I don't like it. I don't like feeling like I am not worth the air I breathe. My head says so many strange things and my heart is starting to believe it. I find myself going to church just because that is what everyone expects of me. I have a calling and I was taught that I should always do the tasks I commit to do. I also feel that if I don't do them I am disappointing people which as I said before is my BIGGEST fear in life.

Why do I feel this way? I don't know. I have tried to figure it out. I just don't know anymore. Sorry for the down post. Not that anyone reads it, which is why I can type out my feelings here and not feel like I am causing anyone any trouble.