Finding strength in the trials

So as you know I have continually digressed. I am stressed, depressed and confused. There are a million emotions I am feeling and I can not pin point them to certain things in my life. A friend tells me I should return to counseling. I say, what can counseling really do for me?? I have already crossed that bridge and I don't really know what it can do. The other side of me is screaming, PLEASE a counselor would be a wonderful way to help you get through so many things...you need to keep going and find your way back to the surface of the water. It is official. I am drowning. I am having breakdowns here and there. NONE of which my family has seen yet. Thank goodness. I don't want to feel weak in front of them anymore. One time in the crazy chair was enough for me and I am sure it was enough for them.

Today as I was working on some sewing and having my child try on clothes and make sure they fit right etc...I got upset over silly things. I really need to watch my frustrations. I am so beyond help right now. I don't know how to ask for help. My sanity is keeping me under the water.

I found out that my church leader knows of my struggles and I don't think he has any idea of how extensive it is. I am so ready to be done with church, with life. I just don't know how to change that attitude toward life. It seems that when things start to get better, something happens to take us back 20 steps!

Aaaahhhrrrggg. Anyway, I know that this blog has been rather depressing lately. I just hope one day that I will be able to look back on it and know that I have really taken charge of my life...one day....maybe a billion clicks from now I will be able to say, I AM AWESOME....and actually believe it.

My heart is heavy, my family has no clue, and I am drowning.

HELP!

Escaping Reality

Reality has a way of coming up on you from behind and scaring you half to death. Recently I was pondering my life and how far I have come to get here. I realized that I was quickly heading back into the direction I came. I don't know how to stop it, but the reality is that I am heading there. I remember feeling helpless, and insecure. I was not happy, I was always having anxiety. I have not completely gone back yet, and I am doing my best to get moving forward again, but sometimes it is just hard. I so wish that there was someone that I could turn to. Not that I am saying any of you wouldn't be willing to listen, but I have pretty much talked off the ears of any and all of the people who actually read this blog. I find myself keeping most of my frustrations and sorrow inside. I know bottling things up is not a good way to do things, but recently I feel like I have to. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like what is going on in my life is so unimportant to so many people. I don't think they would really understand. I have a serious fear of disappointing people. It is rather unhealthy. Even worse than being scared of spiders...which really causes a panic. I can not fathom the feelings of guilt and pain I would feel if I disappointed someone. There was a recent time I felt that way and I could not handle even looking in the mirror because of it. I don't even want to go into the details of the anxiety and depression that follows something like that. It is not important. I guess my point is that I am trying so hard to escape a reality that will never go away. I just want to go on a really long vacation to a deserted island and never return. I don't foresee the escape being easy, but I don't think I will be able to stop trying for a while. Sorry to vent here, but I needed to let something out.