6 blessing challenge

I have been thinking about this last year a lot lately. A lot has happened and it has been a crazy year. As I was scrolling through Facebook I came across an article written by one of my favorite authors. It rang in my ears and caused me to want to come blog about it. He wrote about how we always think about the negative things that happened to us during the year and then gave us a challenge to write about six blessings that we have experienced. The article can be found here ------http://jasonfwright.com/column/the-6-blessings-challenge.html

So I have decided to talk about my six blessings. At first I thought this would be really hard, but as I started my list it began to get easier. So here is my six blessing challenge. Hope you enjoy.

1. Every year, for the past five or so years, someone in my family has had a major surgery of some kind. This year we were graced with two. As we sat in the surgeons office discussing my husbands hernia surgery, my youngest collapsed in the waiting room and ended up having her appendix out that evening. At first I thought, well, that's just our luck. Later as I pondered on it I thought, how lucky are we that she collapsed at a surgeons office?? She was able to get the help she needed rather quickly. It was a blessing that she was ok. We are very lucky to have our little girl alive and well.

2. This blessing is associated with the first. We began to get medical bills really soon after the surgeries. Both of the surgeries were very expensive. 17,500 for one and 18,200 for the other. The insurance covered the hospital all but 10,000 of it. That is not including the doctors and anesthesia. As we struggled to know how to pay it, we applied for financial help. I dwelled on the bills a lot and I knew we couldn't pay them off. It worried me so much that I found myself very tired and frustrated a lot. One day I opened the mail and there was a letter saying that the hospital had written off both my husband and daughters bill. It was definitely a blessing from heaven.

3. A new start to my life began in February. I have always wanted to be in the police field. I am overweight and I knew I would have a lot of work to do to lose the weight in order to be able to be in the job field. I decided that going back to school would be a good thing to do as I try to lose weight. I wasn't sure if I would be able to go to a school and get funding and then one day, I just decided to meet with a school. I found one with my program and went to it. I walked I the door as a normal citizen, was accepted and enrolled by the next week. It happened so quickly that I wasn't sure if it really happened. It was a blessing to me that it happened quickly. If it hadn't, I probably would have just quit trying. 

4.  In all of my schooling I have not been able to pull off good grades since I was in grade school. It has been a hard road but miraculously I have gone this whole year with straight a's. I know that heaven has been an inspiration in my schooling. There is no other way I could have pulled it off. 

5. I have a hard time sometimes with trusting Heavenly Father. This year as one of my resolution words, I decided to focus on that trust. Looking back on the previous blessings, you may notice that he gave me plenty of trials to learn from. Trust didn't come easy at the beginning of the year, but as we exit this year into the new one, I find that I put more trust in him than I used to. It took a lot of prayer, study and visits with the bishop to get there, but it happened. I love that I have a much greater trust in my Heavenly Father.

6. This last one is also medical related. It seems to be our annual theme. Our oldest daughter has epilepsy and this year the doctor has decided to begin decreasing one of her medications. It began in October and we visited the children's hospital every month. She has remained seizure free and the meds are still dropping. In February if she is still doing well, she will be able to quit one of her medications completely. It is progressing nicely and we hope and pray it will continue. 

This was a list I thought would be rather hard. Now that I have done it, I have thought of many many more blessings I have experienced this year. The year is packed with awesome blessings. I extend the same challenge my favorite author extended---what are your six blessings?? Please share, I would love to hear them. 

Happy New Year to you all!!!

Distanced

It seems it has been about 6 months since I have written anything here. I have struggled a bit with some things which have really kept me away. I am learning that life is very full of interesting challenges. I am going to be here more often as I want to work hard to become closer to my Heavenly Father.

The way to become closer is by praying and studying the scriptures. It doesn't matter what religion you are. I have recently been through a bout of uneasiness regarding being close to Heavenly Father. I struggled with trust so much that I prevented myself from hearing any guidance or feeling his love. It was a dark time where I felt alone. 

I was never alone. He was always there beside me, patiently waiting for me to open my heart and let him in. I had stopped praying for a long time because I decided that I was not going to be able to hear him, that he would never answer my prayers or offer his help when I needed it the most. Turns out I was very wrong.

He did distance himself from me, and that is where things got a lot harder. I felt alone and tired most of the time from trying to figure out why he was distancing himself from me. In my heart I did not realize that I had done it to myself. I needed to be praying and studying my scriptures and I wasn't. I never felt like what I had learned in the church was wrong. I still believe it with all my heart. I had no intentions of leaving or quitting. I just had a time of great struggle that I needed to find my way back and do the things I was supposed to be doing to get him to come closer to me again.

I think we all go through times where we forget to read or pray and it becomes a habit. Hopefully I can work to avoid this happening again. I really have faith that as we do good and we keep the commandments, we will always have him by our side. 

I

Learning Curve

You know how the learning curve woks right? A class full of students all take a test and the highest score is 94%. That immediately becomes the 100% for the class and everyone is scored accordingly. I have a hard time with it somedays. This year I have been going to school and as I have done so, I have worked hard to get good grades. I have taken several tests and have not gotten lower than a 98 on any of them. Two of them to be exact. I showed frustration when I missed a question that brought my grade down. One of my teachers kept telling me that missing one question will not hurt my grade. Maybe not, and really only missing one question out of 50 is good. I get it. 

So why does it bug me? I don't know. I have worked hard to get perfect grades and that isn't perfect. So anyway, as I sat there one day, I began to wonder if Salvation was judged on a learning curve. What would happen to me if I was in the judgement seat and I second guessed my answer and missed it!? 

What if I were the only one to miss the question, would I automatically lose my chance at salvation because of the learning curve? I would hope not. 

So I have decided that failing is not an option. I need good grades to make it through my life and gain salvation. My GPA needs work. I know it does. I know I can do better in life. I can read my scriptures and pray daily. I can study the scriptures and prepare for that question about Nephi when he broke his bow or when Ammon was able to fight off the enemies who were scattering and stealing king Lamoni's sheep. How Noah was able to be faithful enough for god to reconsider letting him live instead of dying In the flood. How by faith a savior was given and suffered in Gesthemane and died on the cross just so we could live with god again. 

So what am I to do about this learning curve? Well if it is the case,  and that is how we will be judged, I will have to strive to be the 100% in the class. I have todo,h very best, no second guessing and no giving up. It's time to get working to bring my Heavenly GPA up and be able to walk through the gates of heaven with honors. 

Have a good day 

His hand

Life throws lemons at you ALL. THE.  TIME!So, how do we handle them?
Do we make lemonade? Do we throw them back? Do we constantly struggle to know what to do with them? Do we let them pile up until we have so many and they begin getting rotten and gross and we don't know how to get rid if them?

What do we do?

Why am I asking this question, you ask?

I ask because in the last three months I have struggled to know the answer for myself.

I have spent the last three months visiting with my bishop, family and friends about the many trials I have been dealing with. Some of them are very simple easy answers and some of them require hard work.

I have read the scriptures and have prayed to know the answers. I have struggled for a long time with the truth and what it means to me.

I was in a time of my life that not many trials were happening and the only real trial I had was monetary instability. It left my mind open to create my own trials. I worried about money incessantly, I worried about how to handle the situation and how to figure out what we were supposed to do. It left me feeling down and depressed, I felt the weight of it on my shoulders. I began to wonder if this was the way my life would be forever.

Doubt and fear had entered my heart, I was positive that I was not worthy (yes I know you hate that word SK) to receive blessings of financial freedom or blessings at all.

I had faith in god, still do, I had faith that others would be blessed and that things would work out for them. I did not however have faith that things would work out for me.

Thus my trips to visit the bishop began. Well sort of, I originally went in to renew my temple recommend. The post about that is further down in the blog. I broke down that day in his office, I expressed my fears and frustration and we began our many talks.

The bishop has been so good to listen and offer sage advice. I have been challenged by him many times. The challenges have gotten progressively harder as I come to a better understanding of things.

Funny how in life, when big trials are not present we begin to question our worth. (keep reading)

Three Weeks ago, I found myself sitting in a surgeons office talking about my husband getting a surgery done. (hernia was making it so he couldn't work anymore) had to be done before it got worse.
As we were in the office, the nurse assured us that everything Will be good and that only a small percentage of surgeries go wrong.  Oh yes, she actually said that to me. Having once or twice been the 1% during a surgery, I informed her that it would be out of the nature of our family to not be part of the 1%. Before we went back to talk to the nurse our youngest had started hurting. Her tummy was hurting and she could not stand up straight. At that moment I knew where we stood in the 1% category. She would need surgery too, only hers would be more of an emergency.

That evening she had to have her appendix out. It was a scary time for her, however I was handling it well. I knew how to be in the 1%. I knew how to get through the 1%. Five days later I sat in the same hospital while my husband had his surgery. Both surgeries went well, and both have recovered well.

So, why is it that I was able to handle those awful scary situations better than the not so awful monetary ones? And how am I going to handle the extra monetary ones we would have after the surgeries ?(the bills came in at just under $40,000 dollars)

I'm not sure I have the answer to these questions right now. I'm not sure I understand why.

I do know this, that when life hands me lemons, I'm going to add flour and sugar and make Lemon bars. Mmmm....tasty yummy lemon bars. Maybe I'll make lemonade too, but I will not let them pile up and become rotten.

I can see his hand in so many things, he has reached out and protected my family and blessed them. I am reaching for his hand, I am wanting to grab it. It is there outstretched to Me. To me!

I am working towards a higher purpose and it takes one step at a time. Actively participating in life to reach for a higher goal. It is the way we must do it.

Have a sweet day.

Up and down

Today has been an up and down kind of day. Sometimes I feel like everything is going so well and then I find myself wondering how I even thought that.

I have been working on another (this is like #5) challenge from my bishop. This one is a lot harder than all of the others.

I have been searching for the answer and I want it to be right so I have been working hard. I have been pondering and studying for several days and I still don't have a solid answer. It is frustrating me.

I have been struggling with feeling like I am getting anywhere and just as I hit one of the biggest lows of my week, I found this note. It was written at the end of a support group I attended years ago. The idea was that you pass around the paper and write something you have learned from the person who's paper it was. This is my paper and even though you aren't supposed to know who wrote them, I do.

Tonight although things are not exactly where I hoped to be, I have found that inspiration to keep trying. So I end this post with a hope in my heart to find the answers I'm looking for.

February update on yearly word (s)

So as you know, I have a word, or this year I have three words, that I focus on throughout the year.

2013 has been a very interesting year so far. My words for this year are: FAITH, TRUST, PRAYER.

So you may be wondering how things are going and I'm here to tell you.

FAITH:
I know that the church is true. I know that Heavenly Father sent his son to the world to die so that we could return to live with Heavenly Father, otherwise we would be subject to satan forever after we die. I get it, I just don't feel it yet. So I guess what I'm saying is that my head gets it, but my heart is still working to understand it all.
I know that is backwards, usually it is the other way around, but that is what is going on.

I haven't really ever questioned it. I have never had reason to believe it isn't true. This stems back from an experience I had as a child. One I have never forgotten. I do in my head believe it is true. It's a work in progress.

TRUST:
I am learning trust. I am pretty sure my lack of trust stems to several times in my life. I can't really say here what they all are, not because I don't want you to know what they are, but because in not ready to talk about them yet.

So what about trust do I believe?
I have trust, that others will be taken care of, that others will get answers to prayers if they ask in faith, that others will progress and learn and grow. I trust in heavenly father that he will do those things for them.

I am having a hard time believing that he will do that for me. I'm working on it.

I don't just have trust issues with heavenly father, I struggle to trust other people as well. There have been a few times in my life where I trusted with all my heart and it has turned around and hurt me.

Trust is hard. I am working on it.

PRAYER:

Ugh....and this goes with reading scriptures too. I just don't really feel like doing it. I am not sure why, maybe because if my trust issues, maybe because of deputation, but I just don't feel like it.

I know I need to work in this and that if I don't, my other two words will not be developed, so then why is it so hard?

I feel like I'm talking to air, or through a really thick and well insulated wall.

I don't feel like I'm getting answers, I often find myself wondering, what's the point?

I'm working on it.

For now, I'm learning.

I have developed a trust for my bishop and I know that he is trying to help me find my way to the truthfulness of these three words. He has been super supportive and I hope he isn't sick of me yet. He has given me some great challenges and they are helping.

The challenge he gave me last week was tough! After finishing the challenge, I gained a better understanding of many scriptures. They made perfect sense. It is interesting to gain understanding.

This week he has challenged me again. I thought the last challenge was hard.....yeah, this one is definitely more soul searching and difficult.

I am working on it.

Anyway, my words as they stand today. I am actively participating in my own life to become a more understanding and better person.

I honestly hope that it will happen.

For now, faith, trust, and prayer are progressing. I am a lot further asking with my words than I thought I would be this early in the year. I'm hoping to continue growing and learning and developing these attributes in my life.

Toodle-oo

My head is officially above water again!!

I might even be swimming!

This last two Weeks have been full of goal setting and achieving.

I have had so many things happen that have really helped.
1. I'm getting out of bed before 8 every morning.
-this one has been way hard because staying in bed is so much easier than getting up and facing life.

2. Praying.
-personal prayers are not often the easiest for me. I feel like I'm often talking to a wall. I am working on this One though.

3. Scripture study
-oh boy, I got myself into a doosy with this one. I was talking to my bishop and I told him that studying was easier if I had a subject to challenge me. Boy oh boy....when you ask for a challenge from this bishop, you should expect a good One!!

4. Go to the temple once a month.
- I have exactly one day left to accomplish this goal for the month of January. I suppose I better find some time tomorrow.

5. Work on myself
-I find that I tend to take care of others so much that I forget to take care of me. I'm a work in progress.

6. Go to the gym 3 days a week.
-I started last week and I'm succeeding so far. I've been twice this week. I went thrice last week, I may even get five this week!!

7. Faith, prayer, trust
-the three things I really need to work on.

I am so glad for the people in my life right now. I have my family, my bishop, my dearest friends and Heavenly Father. I am learning and growing and I know that with the help and support of all of these people, I will be walking on water before I know it!!

Goals

I find it interesting that the one thing that has brought me out of darkness almost every time has been goals.

This last few Weeks I have met with my bishop many times. Finally he encouraged me to make goals. Why that never came to mind is beyond me.

So, I went home and made some goals. I made a lot of goals. Many of them are things I can do on a daily basis, some of them are going to take some time. The bishop seemed to be concerned that I set so many goals, but I know I can do them.

This week, I have been sick and although I have not felt well, I have done as many goals as physically possible. Many of my goals need work and I will get there.

The important thing to remember is that when you have something to work toward, you have purpose in life, whether it is for you our for someone else.

I find myself often asking the question "why am I here?". The answer may not be clear to me right now, but I know with work and as I try to have faith and trust, it will come.

So today, I am swimming, which is much better than sinking in the deep. I am starting to see the light at the surface of the water and I know as I continue to work toward my goals, I will reach the surface.

I hope that his hand is there to help me up when I do finally reach the surface.

Sincerely, me.

A plunge into the darkness

I don't know how or when it happened, but at some point this fall, I began spending more and more time in bed. This week, as I was meeting with the bishop, I realized that I spend a majority of the day there. Woah!

How did I get to this point? I mean,I thought I was doing really well. The struggles I have been facing have been deeply spiritual struggles. It isn't because I don't read my scriptures or don't pray. I do those things every day.

I am realizing that I am Struggling because of depression..... I know, surprise! Ok not really, but it really is taking it's toll on me lately.

I take medication and try to read and study the scriptures and pray and really stay close to heavenly father, I have struggled with trust for a long time and in December I explained to the bishop how I felt about it. He of course gave me the challenges, which I completed with haste. I have read every article and scripture on prayer, faith, and trust, at least twice.

So I went to meet with him again last week. He asked me if I was still spending a lot of time in bed. I told him yes. He looked me in the eye and said, "I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like depression." Really? Is it possible that I am not struggling but that my depression is keeping me from truly having a full trust?

Maybe so, I don't know, but I am now meeting with him regularly to help get me out of this place in my life. He seems to truly care enough about me to help me. I am glad he has not given up on me.

Anyway, that's that, Now you know. I keep praying that I will hit the bottom of the deep end so I can push myself back up with my feet, I hope it happens soon because I'm starting to feel the pressure. It won't be long before I run out of air.