Drowning

I feel like I am drowning. I don't want to swim. I don't want to walk...I just want to slowly sink in the waters. I don't feel like there is any way out. I know, I know, in the scriptures it says that if we look to the Lord in faith, he will be there. I am finding it very hard to have faith that he will. I know what the scriptures say, I know that the Lord and Savior is real, I am just having trust issues.

My biggest fear in life is to disappoint people. Not very long ago I realized that I had disappointed someone I truly love. That person let me know and now I am super paranoid. I know that I do it often. I hate it. It makes me feel really small, and I don't like it. I don't like feeling like I am not worth the air I breathe. My head says so many strange things and my heart is starting to believe it. I find myself going to church just because that is what everyone expects of me. I have a calling and I was taught that I should always do the tasks I commit to do. I also feel that if I don't do them I am disappointing people which as I said before is my BIGGEST fear in life.

Why do I feel this way? I don't know. I have tried to figure it out. I just don't know anymore. Sorry for the down post. Not that anyone reads it, which is why I can type out my feelings here and not feel like I am causing anyone any trouble.