Earlier this week, I started a blog post titled "Drowning". I related a visit with my bishop and how frustrated with my life I was. Today, I erased that post to start a new one. This one has a much better title to it.
Alright, so it still isn't walking on water, but at least I'm holding my head up and to be honest, I'm almost swimming.
Times have been hard on us the last 11.5 years. We have experienced so many things in life that were hard. We have struggled financially since we have been married and have not ever really felt stable in that area.
This summer an opportunity came up for us to move and not only get a better paying job, but get closer to our family.
We prayed about it for a day and knew it was the right thing to do, so we packed up our things and headed down south.
In my mind, I was sure that things would get easier. I didn't think it would happen over night, but I had hoped we could at least pay our bills, even if we didn't have anything left over. It has not been that way at all. Things have been tough and they don't seem like they are getting any better.
I know in my heart that we were supposed to move here, the reason may have nothing to do with financial freedom, but I've become well aware of my lack of trust.
There have been so many things going on that have made it nearly impossible to see the good from the move. Our financial trouble still exists, it was definitely not what I expected it to be. We have had to get or own insurance, which with it comes a new deductible and it is frustrating. My daughters medication no longer cost us 60 dollars but 541. So many frustrations and yet, so many things I cannot control.
I have had many breakdowns and many visits with our bishop. This last week was tough. I went into the bishop for a temple recommend interview and the challenges of tithing had caught up to us and we fell and didn't pay it a couple of Weeks because we made some bad decisions financially. We were able to fix that situation, but the fact remained that my trust in the Lord was just not where it needed to be.
I broke down in his office and told him how I felt about everything. Now don't get me wrong, I go to church every week and I fulfill my calling. I pray and read my scriptures. I know that Heavenly father and Jesus are there. My fault lies in my trust that good things will happen. I trust he is there and does great things for others, but I cannot see it for myself. I feel like I will be in this bitter situation for the rest of my life. I hate it.
I left his office with a challenge to read the book of Mormon and underline every place that the Lord strengthened his people. I began on Wednesday. I am in Alma chapter 51. I have spent a lot of time pondering and reading these stories. The people had so much faith. I hope to one day be able to have even a small amount of that faith as to believe that it is going to get better.
The challenge will end soon and I will have to return to the bishop to discuss. I am a little nervous to talk to him again, but I know this is what I need to do right now.
So yes, I was drowning, but I feel like I am learning and am at least able to hold my head above the water.
Hope to be swimming soon.
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